


Garak the Penis Murderer

by the_last_dillards



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Blow Jobs, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Hand Jobs, M/M, Naming your own penis, There was suffering involved in writing this so I hope there’s suffering involved in reading it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22778200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_last_dillards/pseuds/the_last_dillards
Summary: Julian introduces Garak to his snake.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 32
Kudos: 37





	Garak the Penis Murderer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BonusMeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonusMeme/gifts).



> @BonusMeme: This fic is your fault and I hope you’re happy >:(

“And _this_ is Julian Jr!”

“You told me you owned some sort of one-eyed serpent which you wished to show me. A ‘trouser snake’ I believe the species was. If I had wished to see your phallus, I’m sure Lieutenant Dax has some old images saved that she’d be glad to send my way.”

“How do you even know- Nevermind. It’s, it’s a euphemism, Garak. A trouser snake is just a silly term to call your cock. One-eyed snake is another.”

“So you asked me to your quarters merely to show me your genitals? What a peculiar gesture. Tell me, is this some sort of rite of friendship in your culture? Have you and Chief O’Brien compared snakes?”

“What? No! No, I- I was kinda hoping, well, you might be willing to touch it some. Maybe end up showing me yours and then, maybe, we’d have sex? Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course! Gods, I’ve really screwed this up. Rule number one of interacting with different cultures. Be clear and concise. Look, I’m really sorry Garak. I didn’t mean to flash you if you’re not-” 

“Now, I never said I wasn’t interested in more than seeing your..serpent. Merely that if seeing is all we’d be doing, that I might as well be given a photo. It would last longer after all.”

“Oh, well, in that case, why not give him a pet?”

“Like this?”

“Try wrapping your hand around him. A little firmer.”

“...”

“Mm, yeah, he likes that. He’s a good boy. Deserves a reward, don’t you?”

“Are you talking to it?”

“Yeah. You can too, you know? Junior does like attention.”

“I think I’ll pass.”

“Try thumbing the head a bit more. Yeah, that round part at the tip. There you go. Oh _yes…_ He likes that.”

“My dear, as much as I do appreciate your invitation, don’t you find speaking about your phallus that way rather..juvenile?”

“Don’t be mean! You’ve hurt his feelings. Now you need to apologize. You can make it up to him by petting just behind his head. Yeah, like that. His favorite spot for a rub is right around those folds.”

“Tell me, when you say that this Julian Jr’s head, are you referring to the body part that one thinks and breathes from?”

“...yes?”

_*glomp :3c*_

“Oh! _Oh,_ Garak! Yeah, just suck ‘im down just like that. Fuck, that’s good. Oh, he likes that so much. Mm, yeah. Oh, do that again. The thing with your tongue. Oh fuck! _Fuck._ Look at you. An enemy spy overcome with passion, sucking me off, ‘cause I’ve seduced you, yeah? You look so good with your mouth around my cock. You take it so good. _Ohh..._ you spoil us. Junior’s been a good boy for daddy. Works every time. Oh! I think I’m going to come. Garak, I’m-”

_*!!!!!*_

“ _Fuck_ , that was good. You, uh, want me to take care of you now?”

“I will allow it. But! I will have you know that Julian Jr suffocated while in my mouth and died and will not be coming back.”

_“...What??”_

“ _Junior_ didn’t see air for just over five minutes. More than enough time for him to drown on my saliva. I would expect you to keep better care of your pets. Still, I am open to the possibility of more encounters such as this one between us in the future, but I will not tolerate any more incursions of your pet serpent into our intimate times. Have I made myself clear?”

“So..no more Julian Junior?”

“No, my dear. Only Julian. And if you behave yourself, I may just be willing to allow you to take out your phallus and pleasure you with it. But. No. More. Junior.”

“Oh...okay..”

“Oh, don’t look so long faced, my dear.”

_... :'(_

“Fine! Fine, just this _once_ , I’ll humor you. Would Junior like to meet a friend?”

“He might. What sort of friend?”

“Well, I just so happen to have a serpent of my own. A sort of..burrowing snake.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, but he’s rather shy. You’ll need to coax him from his den.”

**Author's Note:**

> “Garak II isn’t territorial, is he?”
> 
> "Hmm? No, I don’t think so.”
> 
> "Good. ‘Cause Julian Jr is looking for a burrow to hide in for the night.”


End file.
